Reflections.

I wake up and the sun no longer feels like fire

at least not the way it used to

back when birds chirping reminded me of hate

apathy and discontent

back when the sun in my irises meant a new day of contemplating my never-ending inadequacy

Though now I wake up and have to choose

between the comfort of a stoic existence

hiding the parts of me that make me feel obsolete

and the embrace birthed from vulnerability

revealing that there are souls who love me irrespective of my shortcomings

it seems impossible to choose both but I do

every day

The reservoir of tears once reserved for darkened midnights and private rooms sometimes fall at midday

sometimes in the car on the way to work

sometimes while a friend’s eyes embrace mine with love and concern

sometimes when I’m so happy that I can’t remember what it felt like to be numb

and then, inevitably, they come when I remember that feeling is temporary

the depression will come again

and I’ll have to ride it out

again

again

again

again

again

again

I know the joy will return too

again

again

again

again

again

again

It’s weird

don’t you think

one minute you’re thirteen

swallowing all of your words because you’re starving and food could never nourish you the way your parents’ attention would have

the next minute you’re 15 kissing a boy who tasted like safety and the metallic of well water

guilty because you shouldn’t have

sad because you wish you could have just enjoyed it

then you’re 21 – drinking age – but it doesn’t really matter because you’ve been drunk since 15

you feel it all

lonely

awkward

hungry

lost

confused

scared

hopeless

dread

bored

not really knowing what you want or who you are because you spent your life becoming what others wanted

you don’t want to feel it

then you’re 31

you feel it all

lonely

awkward

hungry

lost

confused

scared

hopeless

dread

bored

but somehow it is different because you’re letting yourself be all those things and more

you’re letting yourself open

you’re unveiling yourself

I wake up and the sun no longer feels like fire

at least not the way it used to